Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Filling Memories about me

Let me fill in the blank to the years that you have been missing of me. This might be incomplete as there are 25 years of me that you missed. That's a lot to say.

I am a shy, timid, and small young boy back then in Primary school time. I love comic books, and drawings. I used to remember where aunty Yiyi comes to my school with grandma with an umbrella on hand. They come during lunch time and i used to seeing all that up to a fine day where my dad caught up with the situation and this stops. That was the last time i saw grandma. It was weird, because i kinda know who they are despite young age where you leave me. I know that time you're not dead in anyhow, because i used to see the dead and i sense emotions (yeap, they thought I'm talking nonsense but that's the truth) I don't see you in any form coming back to me, that's how i know that you're still out there. I saw couple of ghosts in these period of time and it makes a bad habit of me to not looking at someone's eye for long, or i just look elsewhere. Nothing much happens here as I clearly remembers. I was pretty young and naive back then.

In secondary, this is the time where i get very misbehave and rebellious. I don't study, I play games till late night doing the things where parents hates to see. I'm ALWAYS being compared to my brother ever since in Primary school. The straight-A student where every Asian parents and teacher adores. I hated it so much that I did everything I could to rebel and does things differently. So to think where I am this bad student and son, I don't speak a lot, i don't muggle with a lot of classmates, very introvert to say. I rather stay infront of the computer and chat with strangers in online game rather than in person. You might think that I will be rotten at this stage, but you are wrong. I don't smoke, I do not take drugs, I don't gamble, I don't drink. Without all these rebelious attitude, I'm the perfect child you see. I scored above average in exams despite not studying a lot. I don't do it my brother's way, I rebel and be different. Maybe I was just craving for attention. I don't like being compared to. I wished to be seen something in me. To be acknowledged of something else that's I'm good at. In EVERY chinese new year, i was being compared with relatives, and what's more? My brother. You think I that like CNY? Nope. I just sits in the corner with one to two cousins, and I don't mingle with others, be it the young nor the old. The conversations irritates me.

Oh, did I mentioned that my jaw was protruded waaaay longer than the normal kids? My lower jaw was longer than my upper jaw. I couldn't bite anything with my front teeth. It was fine before that, but as I grown up, this gets worse. At some point of my age, they kept saying I resembles you. In which I totally have no idea what do you looks like. I was ashamed of how I looked and the other kids makes fun of me because of how differently I looked. But do they care? No they don't. They are childish. Do my parents care? I highly doubt so. I looked for ways to fix this for 11 years and i manage to slightly brush off this nightmare on my shoulders.

College, I went to college not to study diploma, but Form 6. Nothing much happens here. Same shit happens, but i graduated just fine.

Now, in University. I did not choose to be in medical, accountant, lawyer, IT, nor engineering (in which my study path were suppose to lead me to). I choose Advertising instead. I wanted to be free and not locked to just one path of life where you cannot have Plan B when time goes wrong. This is a vast path I opened to myself where I can be anything I want in the future. I loved everything that happens here, be it happy or sad. This was the first time I'm away from home where I don't have to face the things that I don't like. (I was hating everything my parents did to me back then). I enjoyed my stay in Kampar, and created huge a lot of pleasant memories in my life. I never felt so appreciated and active. This point of life is where I starts to love living instead of suicide. We had fun travelling to every states in this 3 years. We are quite close to each other as everyone is away from home so to say, we see each other every day and night. I graduated just fine right after and here I am in the working world.

That sums up most of my childhood. Maybe there's more when we talks about it? This is dark. Maybe not in the good light, but I'm working very hard everyday struggling to shackle free and living my day as if my last. I worked in a Design Agency where there is no day and night, i do freelance jobs, at the same time I'm working on myself on other projects that's not related to work. I'm succumbing myself with work as i know people are living their seperate lifes now, and i have to think for the first time how I should live my life. 

Nevertheless, I always advice other people to live their life, and be happy with the present. The past may be dark, but that's where you learn to love. I sometimes lie to myself that I can go through this. Ignoring what people say about me, because they don't know my story. I don't expect them to understand what's going on in my life. I can act pity all I want, but in the end is the success that people always see. I want to prove my point where not being the most cleverest son in study can also succeed in life. I want people to see how cheerful, how friendly and smart I am. I don't want people to see how sad I am, how pityful my life can be. There's too much negativity revolving around. 

I would say I'm more of a street smart person if you ask me. When years of working passing by i managed to earn enough to survive. I am being independent and not to use a single cent from the family. I even bought a house already at such age. The building is not complete yet though. I'm climbing up so high that the amount of stress is constantly increasing. My commitments are increasing. When you think again and again everyday, what are you actually doing with your life. Do you like it? If you don't, you change. What's the point pleasing everyone out there but you are suffering all that and not living? I'm happy with my actions, because this is my life. Don't dwell too much in the past. Live now. You know, I wish life would be much simpler, less complicated, and happy.

I can be two extremists living in the same body. The hyper positive me, and the dark side of me. That's just me.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Thank you for the "gift"

Went to the doctor to collect my health report. She says everything are fine, except to the fact that I had minor Thalassaemia disorder. It's not that shocking at all. Back to last year August, I had been told by my brother that I need to do a blood test.

I might inherited Thalassaemia disorder from my mother. I'm somewhat educating myself what is Thalassaemia. "Thalassemia is a blood disorder passed down through families (inherited) in which the body makes an abnormal form of hemoglobin, the protein in red blood cells that carries oxygen. The disorder results in excessive destruction of red blood cells, which leads to anemia." Did some research and thalassaemia is a bloody blood disorder that can't really be cured. Oh okay, blood disorderrrrrr.... but wait, what is anemia? So, I did another round of googling and I found "Anemia is a condition in which the body does not have enough healthy red blood cells. Red blood cells provide oxygen to body tissues." Ok, no wonder I felt dizzy at certain times.

The more I read about it, the scarier it gets. I stop reading halfway and told myself, just live your life and forget about it. The symptoms all make sense and I can relate to that. No wonder my body had been acting that strange all these while. Having this disorder can make oneself look pale. Oooh? I guess that's some positive thing about this? I guess that's my fate. Feeling meh at the moment.

I don't know what to say

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Buck Up

Here we go again. hurmm... where should I start? Alright! here goes. I'm gonna blar everything here... or maybe not....
Where else can I start? My work of course. It's been very hectic with work recently. Barely able to escape for a breath outside. To be honest, I'm very tired. I AM TIRED. With work, with routine, with everyday life. I just don't know why I am back to the universal question again. "Why am I here?" It's not like I dislike my job. I love what I'm doing. It's just that the job is like a tsunami wave. Sleepless nights, endless jobs. I don't know if I can withstand this job for how long. When I see other people with overflowing jobs. It really makes me wonder, how did they cope with it. What do they do? Where do they find peace? What can I learn from them? Maybe it's stress. I don't have any stress release place. I can't just BAM everything to my friends. I just don't want them to fell stress too because of me. They got their own stress as well, why would I add more stress to them? Friends? Many are leaving. I'm the best flower vase that they can find to fill in the spot. Once the moment is over, I'm no longer needed and being ignored till be forgotten.

I'm really thank God to those who still willing to keep in touch with me. REALLY grateful. I know I'm not suppose to cling on my friends. They wouldn't keep accompanying me forever. I'm aware of that. I couldn't even take care of myself. I wonder how will I survive next? The emotional attachments are just too strong. I had ever wished the time to be stopped and never move forward.

I'm in love with beers lately. Not because I like the taste. It's just that I wanted to get drunk and forget about the world. aaaaand what happens? I never really get drunk yet. Just felt sleepy because of the time that I awake is just too long. I wanna scream and shout and let it all out. Feels like there is no place for me other than my work. Indulge myself into my work is the only thing I would do. Or should I keep on living as it is?

To scratch my head or to keep on deep slumber?

Monday, April 22, 2013

IMAGINATION - Don't let it die

Am I worth living? or am I worth keeping? Now, I'm 23 years old coming to 24 end of this year. I thought my life was a bliss back then. So many things happened. The world seems like a complete colouring book, with nothing to worry on. I had friends. I wonder was it more last time? I think I did?

Meeting my life with millions of strangers and I looked like them. I was a special kid last time and now I am just a normal person where you happened to sees me walking on the street. Talk about that, I noticed passerby's had been giving me the double look lately. What? My whole underwear revealed? Something on my hair or face? I can't help to notice that, as there is no one notices me back then. What's more is I had that "Hey! I'm an easy target. You can come and whack me." face on I think. Last week, there is someone stopped me and ask "Excuse me. Could you do me a favour?". He doesn't look like those people come and begging for money. Sir, you had good English. So, I stopped and ask what's up? Then he started his grandmother, grandfather story about where he came from 5 days ago....bla bla bla....... and I snapped out from it saying I'm sorry and I walked out of the conversation. Hey, I am really sorry if you happened to be a good guy looking for help. I really couldn't take the risks. That place is seriously not the place for you to ask for help. It just seems so wrong. I went to my car and started driving back. I saw him on the streets again, but doesn't seems like someone who needs help and just pass by everyone that walked near him. I stalked him for a while and it makes me think, did I just walked out from a trouble a moment ago? Why did he talked to me back then? I couldn't help to be ignorant in this chaotic society. Who knows what will happened to me if I helped. Hopefully you found a police station and got the help you are looking for.

I am good in ignoring people and isolate myself. This is a talent! The older I grew, the more closed up I become. Living in my own little world.

 It must be my imagination

Tomorrow I'll have an appointment with my dentist. YES!! Finally my teeth will be free from jail! Can't wait for it! Another yet predicted achievement? I'm excited anyway. Guess this would be my last image with my bracers on. Wanna keep it as a memory though. Lucky me that I remember to take a picture before it gone forever.

P/s (Especially to friends) : Please keep in touch. It's pretty upsetting when I tried to meet you guys up and none show up. Yes, busy with work, but what about life? I am busy with work too. Not to mention, I am a workaholic. So, meet up will ya? Please? :)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Variety Show addiction

Everybody had been mentioning this to me since last two or three years. It started off from my colleague during my intern. I was puzzled with this Korean variety show called "Running Man" or to be called "런닝맨" in korean.

At first I was dumbfounded when my colleague opens one of the episode for me to watch. Neh, it was nothing. I'm not an inch interested with what is that show going on because I can hardly  understand the gag that was happening. Later the next year during chinese new year, my cousins were watching that show. With all that hype and exciting stories they talked about the show, I had decided to watch few episodes with them. I'm kinda pulled and trapped within the force of that variety show. That show had it's own uniqueness and charm. It's unlikely similar to any TVB variety show's that I had watched so far. It's totally different than that.

But still, due to the laziness to search and watch the show online. I decided to give up on that show. Years gone by and this year chinese new year again. Yes, chinese new year. My cousins still chasing the episodes of that variety show! Okay, and I'm pulled to watch the show with them again. This time I'm determined to catch up with the show starting from episode 1. Time goes by and I finally gets it why people watch this show. Running Man fanbase started to grow and I'm unlikely to be one of the crazy fans out there. Even so, the hype and excitement of that show really makes me addicted and I do enjoy watching it. Running Man were such a huge stress relief for me.

I enjoyed each of the episodes and quickly makes me like each and every character in Running Man. Each and every one of them had their very own uniqueness and charm which makes the show very enjoyable. This show simply crush all of TVB variety episodes that I had watched since my childhood. I had been working a lot ever since I'm graduated. My friends even told me to hold off my work and get some life. I guess I'm being really workaholic. I even bring the stuff back and work at home. I often goes back late and back to the office early. I need to get a hold of myself and it seems that what I'm doing right now is pretty lifeless. More or less like waiting for my life to decay, or maybe not.

After so long, it is really recommended for you out there to watch Running Man! Yeah, I normally don't watch drama, shows, or whatever. This is really an exception. I laughed so hard and wanting to watch new episodes each and everyday. Blogs are not really a trend anymore yea? After so long I didn't login I didn't see much updates. Everyone seems busy with their own life. Everyone seems forgotten with the missing ones after they adapt to something better. No eye see, don't care! Back to work!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Post Blasting

March! It's been almost 5 months I had been into full time working life!
Time passes in such short notice. I'm on a road to pursue my dreams. Yes dreams! I had a lots of aims, ambitions, and goals. Some say keep dreaming (in negativity, where laymen would say it wouldn't came true). I had just passed the biggest goal of my life. I had went through hell for many years. You wouldn't know how hard were that. You should try get into my shoes and walk my life sometimes. It's a living hell but everything paid off. For now. The biggest obstacle of my life had been rid off. I wouldn't say it here, but to whom knows me will definitely know what is the changes. I am happy with my achievement.

One achievement unlocked! SO what happen next?
At first I am lost. TOTALLY lost! I had never thought that had made the biggest impact of my life. Once the cloudy dark sky have cleared off, I began to look into the new me. I had lost my identity. NEVER once in my life I have been so clueless what am I going to do next. Looks like I really cared what other's thinks about me. I had always been a sensitive child. I looked back into my past  and I clearly shakes my head. What had I been doing all these years? I am living a meaningless life in my past 20 years. I don't make any effort to make my life meaningful. Kinda sad to say, not even imaginable when thinks back. But then, I really want to give a BIG THANK YOU for those who joined and still stayed in my life. I am really touched. Life had not been good to me ever since I'm born.

Some may say I'm a happy-go-lucky person. I am not. I repeat, I am not! I am just being ignorant to my surroundings. I start to realized why I reacted like that. It is me avoiding to be hurt inside out. Started to realized all the damages I had done to myself  in all these years, I'm starting to repair it. This blog had been quiet for so long. I had nothing interesting to share. Nothing interesting to even share it to myself. I told others to "Live your own life as if you are the hero in your own book". I didn't even do that. I wonder why. I am being stubborn and ignorant to the world. Realizing that, I open a new chapter and spill my inks to a new chapter of my life. I am the main character of my life. It doesn't change the fact that the past is part of me, and also it doesn't change the fact that I can control my future.

I started my working life with something that I wanted or wish to do. Hopefully it'll be a redemption over my past life. At first I am still holding back and be afraid. Then I thinks back of the obstacle I had just been through this is really nothing. I kept marching forward and just do it! It's a decent work, nothing to be proud of unlike my eldest sibling who is currently a dentist, in a highly desirable position whom my family proud of. Mine is more to a skill work rather than intelligent brain working. I am not trying to be wise. What's wrong for being childish? My goal, my life, is to make people around me to be happy. Surround yourself in happiness to recover the sadness in deep hole within. Another of my famous sayings "Since we are living a new world everyday why chose to be sad? We still need to move on with our lives. Be happy!"

Wow, my inner voice seems to be wiser than I am.
I think a lot. The inner voice sometimes kills me. Stabbing me with a couple of high blows and leaving me laying flat on the ground realizing how useless and brainless I am. Photography meant a total different meaning to me. It's not the memory to be captured. It's not the moment to be freeze on. Photography is the classroom for me. I learn and improve. As I said, it's a skill work. It squeezed a lot of sweats and juice out from your life. Similar to designers, they squeezes ideas and creativities. It seems like I'm loving my work for now. It is busy, I had no life other than work, I am keeping my mind occupied for the time being. For what? To live a life waiting to decay.

I wanted to try everything. I wanted to experience everything. I wanted to master everything! Greedy me. Yay!
I wanted to travel the world. I know God had prepared fate and the possible roads for me to walk on. It's just leaving me a decision to chose which way to walk to. I never wanted something in my life. It's so dull. It's always been somebody's dreams, but now it had been one of my wishes. "Live everyday as if it was your last!" Oh, that's why my post had been so lengthy, full of complaints, and sounds like a death will. I am a pessimist with an optimistic inner voice. :)

Cut the long crap short. I am not being emotional. These whole lot's of inner voice had to go to some place. This were suppose to be in my diary. Yes I kept a diary which is more dusty than this blog. I wonder where it is now. It must be all webby, dusty and worn out. Oh well, I am free to write anything into my blog. Nobody will read anyway.

Oh not to forgot! Pictures for the post! Totally unrelated to the whole thing here and just a random pictures from the work I had been doing. 
Spoiler alert! They are food pictures!!!!!




Friday, July 27, 2012

Remaining Dormant

Remaining dormant, is what I am doing right now. Had been practically doing nothing for the past few months according to the eyes of my parents. That's sucks. I always hate to "try" find something to do in front of them. There is practically nothing much for me to do. The stuff that they expected me to do is seriously EXTRA. Extra as in, there is no actual need to do that kind of job which is purely paranoid jobs. Why the hell we should flip the laundry once every few hours? Just let mother nature do her stuff will ya? The laundry would not be overcooked by staying under the sun for few hours.

My surgery process is going on smoothly as we speak. Yeah, hell no! This remain dormant thing all started from them! Surgery dates had been delayed twice. From the last delay, now they add in another appointment for CT Scan before the surgery. WTF! I am not insulting them or what, but you guys need to do your job as a medical practitioner. You are delaying my precious time right now. I had been quite pro-active since the second delay. I had been calling and rush them to get my appointment dates. They NEED pushovers to get my job done! I don't care. I'm gonna bug them until they give me the date as soon as possible.

However, push that stuff aside. Thank god, a friend of mine had a plan on going to Singapore last week. I am on holiday! I packed my stuff, change to Singapore Dollars, and head off on Friday morning. 

First Pit stop in Malacca

Lol! Never see this in KL! 

First time in my life I see so much GREEN on a flyover.
We should really do this instead of a big bunch of billboards.

The building design here is awesome!

I am in USS!! :D

They said Gods statues here are made of gold. o.O

One thing that disappoint me in Singapore is that bloody Merlion. It is not there! I had been so excited to take picture with it and he is not there!


I took a picture of the mini sized Merlion instead. :(

That's it! For more pictures, look in my Facebook profile.

Talk about remaining dormant. I got things that keep me alive in this few months. I bought Diablo 3! Wei Cheng had poisoned me for quite some time before I really bought it. Thank you for accompany me within my dormant period or else I'll be a "salted fish" by now. Things are a bit off when I came back from Kampar. Friends are not really around. Been busy with lives and I had my own business to do.

**Random wishes**
I want 林宥嘉 2012 new album!!!